Failing at Failing

Blog,

I read it over and over. There's nothing wrong.

Only thing between us is an entire ocean. And she's asking me to swim it.

She setting me free. It'll be difficult for me to wait. What? Wait! Don't. Ok. Fine.

Where did I stand? She didn't know. Oh. And after all the things she said. I had dared to hope.

Hmm. We are happy anyway. I mean we don't need labels, right?

Then again, I would've just settled for, "it's complicated."

One step at a time, they say. Hm. It's hard if it's across all these miles. And miles.

We lead different lives that's for sure. But we stole time, hid from fate, bottled laughter, saved smiles, dined on emotions, took a chance, jumped, flew, dove headfirst into a slide.

It hurts. Hurts like hell, it does. Knowing what you know, and not being able to do anything about it. It sucks. So helpless. Lame.

Well. That's that I guess.

See you when I see you, Love.

Dear

It's hard, I know. Nothing of value is ever easy.

Please understand. It's for the best.

I love you.

It Took A Line or Two

Blog, I have no one to talk to right now. I'm keeping too many things to myself, weaving a story with lies and roses. And yes, it's that time of the night. @_@

Look blog, I'm not looking for advice. I get a lot of that now. A whole lot. Too many to mention. Like a slambook or slumbook or whatever that thing is called - ah yes, autograph book. ^_^

Ah yes, I'm a paranoid insensitive soul. I believe everything is transient so I try not to be attached. But when it finally hits - like a rogue truck against a brick building - it hits. Hard. Like a rogue truck against a brick building. Twice at that. >_<

I will find time to kick myself in the future. Right now I'm way too tired to do anything. I hate myself for thinking about giving up on the slightest signal. When I work hard, it's always by a thin thread. A single bad vibe and it's done.

I'm done. -_-

I want out. So bad. I hate myself for being where I am now now - at so many levels. Paranoid and possessive aren't two good qualities. Put in a strong tendency to quit forever and you have a trifecta of failure.

Maron, you are a trifecta of epic failure. Not.

In the words of Ne-Yo: I'm too fly to be depressed. ^_^

I'm Feeling Existential All Of A Sudden

"Out of a sudden / All of a blue"...

I'm feeling existential blog o_O I dunno why and I'm starting to worry. I suddenly cared about what everything that's been happening is doing to me - as a person - in a the whole-est sense of the word.

1. I'm a fugitive you know. I drive but my license is expired. I couldn't get to finish renewing in one day and now I'm hard pressed finding time to finish my renewal. I'm barely getting time off. I work on Saturdays and if working on Sundays isn't going to drain me the following week, I would. And I hate that I'm like that now.

2. I miss Zindy a lot. I keep telling myself I'm ok. I am ok - supposedly. And sometimes I feel awful guilty that me being ok on such a short time makes me less of a person. That recovery isn't normal. I'd give myself a whole month at least. But one week?

Look. I'm getting really good at convincing myself that everything is ok. I rationalize. I put theories. I look at the long term benefits and the big picture. In the end, the universe will turn out the way it should.

I'm good to the point that everything that I know that's not ok are dismantled beyond articulation and sequestered in the back of my mind. I can't dig them out but I know they're there.

3. But today, I'm beginning to think that maybe I haven't been fair to myself. And correct, when I'm like that, I'm also unfair to everyone else. >_<

4. I'm not this person, you know, blog. I don't impose. I believe that people, as long as they are not doing anything fundamentally wrong, are entitled to every little quirks, irks and opinions. If I find someone that can't understand what I see from the get-go, I let them be. If they're so smart, they'll understand, because that's what I would do. Maybe I go about things differently. Byproduct of my being left-handed and supposed creativity.

5. I will take it. I will accept and understand and adjust as long as I can. But when the point comes that I can no longer take it, no amount of rationalization, logic, big picture or long-term goal can convince me otherwise. They are now rated as "bullcrap".

6. I will not dare impose because I hate being imposed on. I'll let everything else be. I'll just see you when I see you. Maron out.

7. Rest in the fact that I did not decide out of an imbalance. It was a protracted cost-benefit analysis based solely on this equation:

human person > worldly pursuits

Hay. I miss the peace. I miss the love of craft. I miss having time for things that matter.

Everything else is now rated as "bullcrap"

Sorry, I have to be fair. But I don't want to hurt anyone. So blog, mark my words, I am leaving. Somewhere. Nowhere. Anywhere but here.

It's Way Past Bedtime...

I'll try keeping you alive, blog. I've been busy these days. @_@

Anyway, you don't want to hear me gripe about work, so here's another thing that's worth continuing:

It looks like Part 2 of a Several Part Series was cut short, due to some technical difficulties. Haha ^_^ well that's what we could call it, because technically, Two is already taken. Woh. Didn't see that one coming. I don't think anyone did. @_@

Ah, who am I kidding. I knew about it. I wrote about it although it didn't really bother me besides the fact that, um, it's not my place to judge, but given the chance to put it bluntly... "Di hamak naman mas gwapings ako. (No doubt I'm a better-looking dude.)" ^_^ hahaha. I just had to put in that English translation.

Anyway, blog no ill feelings you know, and before anyone throws a hissy fit, that statement above was just a joke, ok? ^_^ What more damage can I do anyway? Haha! I'll put it in any way I still can, even if it has to be through my barely alive blog.

No offense blog. Despite several thoughts of reformatting you completely, I didn't.

Because I can't find the time, basically. ^_^

Anyway, that's it. Eso es todo. Write you when I write you :D

Weight Problems

Blog, we have a weight problem. >_< Everyone gained weight since working, an average of 10 pounds (- . -) Woh.

Let's log-in our weight. Is this right? *drumroll* 168 pounds! For someone at my height, I should weigh-in at around 144 pounds. 135 if I want to be like Manny Pacquiao. I'm more like Oscar Dela Hoya after 2 years of not playing boxing. >_<

I always rationalize that bone and muscle weighs more than fat. And *in fairness* I did gain a lot of muscle (I would like to think, at least) since joining Fitness First. ^_^

But still... I am 22 pounds over my limit. >_< Hahaha! This calls for action.

http://www.theloseweightdiet.com/

The guy made sense! @_@ At least, that's what it seems. Anyway it wouldn't hurt to try... Blog, let's set a goal to lose 8 pounds in 1 month. Then the next 10 after another. Baby steps muna. ^_^

Late and Awake

Blog, it's a Friday better spent sleeping. @_@

Nothing I need to share yet. ^_^ Just keeping you alive since I am awake.

Well I have BIG effing plans. I want to help the world. I'll share it some other time. I'll have to do some research first. @_@