It Took A Line or Two

Blog, I have no one to talk to right now. I'm keeping too many things to myself, weaving a story with lies and roses. And yes, it's that time of the night.

Look blog, I'm not looking for advice. I get a lot of that now. A whole lot. Too many to mention. Like a slambook or slumbook or whatever that thing is called - ah yes, autograph book.

Ah yes, I'm a paranoid insensitive soul. I believe everything is transient so I try not to be attached. But when it finally hits - like a rogue truck against a brick building - it hits. Hard. Like a rogue truck against a brick building. Twice at that.

I will find time to kick myself in the future. Right now I'm way too tired to do anything. I hate myself for thinking about giving up on the slightest signal. When I work hard, it's always by a thin thread. A single bad vibe and it's done.

I'm done.

I want out. So bad. I hate myself for being where I am now now - at so many levels. Paranoid and possessive aren't two good qualities. Put in a strong tendency to quit forever and you have a trifecta of failure.

Maron, you are a trifecta of epic failure. Not.

In the words of Ne-Yo: I'm too fly to be depressed.

I'm Feeling Existential All Of A Sudden

"Out of a sudden / All of a blue"...

I'm feeling existential blog I dunno why and I'm starting to worry. I suddenly cared about what everything that's been happening is doing to me - as a person - in a the whole-est sense of the word.

1. I'm a fugitive you know. I drive but my license is expired. I couldn't get to finish renewing in one day and now I'm hard pressed finding time to finish my renewal. I'm barely getting time off. I work on Saturdays and if working on Sundays isn't going to drain me the following week, I would. And I hate that I'm like that now.

2. I miss Zindy a lot. I keep telling myself I'm ok. I am ok - supposedly. And sometimes I feel awful guilty that me being ok on such a short time makes me less of a person. That recovery isn't normal. I'd give myself a whole month at least. But one week?

Look. I'm getting really good at convincing myself that everything is ok. I rationalize. I put theories. I look at the long term benefits and the big picture. In the end, the universe will turn out the way it should.

I'm good to the point that everything that I know that's not ok are dismantled beyond articulation and sequestered in the back of my mind. I can't dig them out but I know they're there.

3. But today, I'm beginning to think that maybe I haven't been fair to myself. And correct, when I'm like that, I'm also unfair to everyone else.

4. I'm not this person, you know, blog. I don't impose. I believe that people, as long as they are not doing anything fundamentally wrong, are entitled to every little quirks, irks and opinions. If I find someone that can't understand what I see from the get-go, I let them be. If they're so smart, they'll understand, because that's what I would do. Maybe I go about things differently. Byproduct of my being left-handed and supposed creativity.

5. I will take it. I will accept and understand and adjust as long as I can. But when the point comes that I can no longer take it, no amount of rationalization, logic, big picture or long-term goal can convince me otherwise. They are now rated as "bullcrap".

6. I will not dare impose because I hate being imposed on. I'll let everything else be. I'll just see you when I see you. Maron out. 7. Rest in the fact that I did not decide out of an imbalance. It was a protracted cost-benefit analysis based solely on this equation: human person > worldly pursuits

Hay. I miss the peace. I miss the love of craft. I miss having time for things that matter.

Everything else is now rated as "bullcrap"

Sorry, I have to be fair. But I don't want to hurt anyone. So blog, mark my words, I am leaving. Somewhere. Nowhere. Anywhere but here.