I'm Getting Good at This

Is there a talent for "getting replaced by assholes"? I should probably register.

I can laugh at almost anything. Fate throws a pesonal crisis up my way and I'd be ROLFing LMAOing just like that. I'd realize how strangely absurd this might be to even merit further assessment, other than, "Oh shit, not again?"

I am obviously so self aware and so determined to run through life without bothering with irrelevant details that anything wrong that's happening I automatically attribute to something "statistically certain" - anything at all: human error, cosmic alignment, a pesonification of fate playing jokes on random people in the world, ireconcilable differences between individuals without which it would be physically impossible to exist - anything just to deal with the truth that I failed.

It's a trick that sometimes gets me wondering how much less individually human I've become, I mean if we first define an "individual human" as a person who is centrally concerned with individual needs.

Let's put it in perspective. Well first, imagine: the entire universe doing it's business like clockwork, churning out stars, producing new planets, killing off entire galaxies with it's collisions and supernova explosions, you know, Stephen Hawking stuff. There is a particular order, right? Imagine gravity, keeping planets in orbit and things like that. Then the other fundamental forces: magnetism, zero point energy, electro-static whatever. All these things, these pre-conditions for existence of a huge almost infinite universe is just right. It's the perfect parameter for stars to coalesce, to give energy to planets. Out of several probable pre-condition we had this one, and this earth-sized earth whose gravity, distance from the sun and atmospheric pressure is just right for living things to exist. Well of course you can take the other perspective and say that living things adjusted to these preconditions but the fact remains, that there is an inherent order.

Imagine that pre-condition as only one of the possible infinite combinations of other pre-conditions.

Ok, point of the whole narrative was to simply convey one thing: we are too small to merit relevance on the bigger scheme of things. Sure we would like to feel all-important and privileged but that is because we are living in a small society that also feels all-important and privileged. We are only privileged in a way that we have enough intellect to UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING SMALL WE ARE. Get it?

I'm thinking at this point, I've muddled much of the issues I've been raising in the start of the entry. And you're right, I always need to scroll up and re-read what I've written so I can always get back to the point.

Right now, I just want to thank you for putting up with this incoherent line of thought. You are actually taking a journey with me. You know it all started with me seeing photos of a girl I once liked with her "not-quite-boyfriend" - photos of them holding hands, spelling "I <3 U" using flow petals. You know? Things that we used to do.

Now, I've tried to get through life by not minding a lot of things. I am so determined to keep my shit together that I don't want things like this to hurt. But who am I kidding, right? It hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker.

So here I am thinking, "Wow. So much for that huh?"

It was really like a comet. Blindingly beautiful and brilliant, but in just a blink of an eye...

Poof.

Gone.

Off to another part of the universe. Off to share its light and warmth to another planet somewhere, in that vast infinite emptiness.

I Suck at This

Let me break it down into comprehensible logical pieces of information:

• AAARRRGGGHHHH
• YAARRGGGHH
• QERPIHWJTHKWMRBX
  
• !#$@WWQ#%G@Q%HBE

Well, it doesn't really sting that bad. It's just that same feeling that makes you want to go up Mt Faber and scream bloody hell while using your bare hands to rapel down Sentosa in the hopes that the burning slicing sensation in your palm can distract you from a deeper, far more sinister malaise.

Although I have to admit that there is humor in this. It's like a hyper-realistic romcom where the guy doesn't get the girl and ends up staring blankly at crowds, lost in a strange city where no amount of chinky-eyed, long-legged chicks can bring him to a level of happiness he once felt.

And roll credits.

- - -

This message is a last momentous gasp for air. I took that leap, and hoped to God I could fly. But life is not like the movies. You don't see those reluctant but lovable protagonists.

Not real life.

It's just us humans.