Sailing Belly Up Through the Clouds

It is perhaps the greatest question a man should ask himself: What do I have to offer? :-? At a point where I can count the days with less effort than I would counting chickens' and pigs' legs where there are 30 heads and 80 feet, I begin to wonder what I have to offer. I mean, I have finally reached that age in a man's life where he supposedly feels so sure of himself that he is allowed inside casinos to bet money he didn't earn on games we know houses are supposed to win lest they be out of business. @_@ I fall short of my own expectations. I cannot offer anything. I can't even offer my parent's wealth because there is less for me now, especially now. >_<

When I was younger, I felt that the world owed me everything. I had a great time winning over trivial pursuits, garnering hollow brass mimics and bizarre plastic standees. There were times I felt like I owned the world that I know: my small-town school in a city priding itself on its neighbors; Southmall whose net cafes we gathered to weekly; the hobbies store where I bought Magic cards and D&D charts. I lived in a world where math is a contest and scientific knowledge made you king. Magic cards were currency, girls were sweet, and playing D&D was cool. I made it cool. ^_^

Growing up I learned that life never owes you anything. I learned to struggle and change and at times own myself. I learned that I can only do so much and trying hard on other things would be just that: "trying hard." So I learned to stop when it is still graceful. The process was long, difficult and never as smooth as I make it sound. There are times I admit I'd rather change but when it comes down to it, what's the point? Past is past and that is truer than death and taxes combined. There is wisdom in honoring it and learning from it, but constant obsession in wanting to absolve or rewrite what has been dangles on lunacy, so we won't get into that. @_@

However, I must also admit that life, in its relentless push forward, breaking us and then remaking us, leaves us to ask, "Now what?" Now what? :-?

After 8 years spent in a branded school with a Jesuit background and market of rich kids, I see myself going out into the world with a red balloon filled with ideals, asking the world not to shoot it down, which they will eventually do, and then I'll go to hell. >_< No not really. I feel that if everyone felt the same way (not the going-to-hell bit, but the going out into the world with ideals and ideas bit), then we would be a force of change, a wave of renewing energy in a society weak with its own decaying morals. It is so sweet to believe such lofty goals even if at the back of my mind I know that generations before us held the same and never succeeded. @_@ We'd be the generation who believed. If I learned one thing in Sandman, it would be the power of dreams. If we could get enough people dreaming of the same world where we no longer fear to live, then reality follows suit.

So here's to being 21. ^_^ Life has been great and bad. Suffering will always be useless and insignificant. Girls will almost always freak out and boys will always be boys. Levinas would smile. Einstein would turn in his grave. Nietzsche will play cards with God and I will close doors and walk through that grassy aisle to wait for my turn. For 5 measly seconds I will take a blank rolled-up paper, shake hands with a person I barely know, turn to a sea of equally anxious people and whisper, "Pst. GG bro." ^_^ It's been good despite my whining and claims to the contrary. It would have rocked if I had the guts and grace to court her but the only thing I need now is closure so I can start looking forward and leave this with the rest of what has been. Past is past. I am thankful for that 21 years. Friends, yes you who has read this up to here, I love you and may everyone be happy in the end. :-)